The swiniest swine

Posted by Jeff Markowitz on Sunday, September 12, 2010

I haven't thought about this for many years, but when saintvi announced her “Pirate” themed contest, it all came back to me like it was just yesterday.  I was eight at the time.  And so, I offer up this reminiscence as my entry in her contest.

As I say, I was eight.  I had, at that time, and still to this day have, no particular talents that might be useful in the musical theatre.  I can't carry a tune.  Also, I have no grasp of acting.  And so, when my third grade teacher, Mrs. Locast announced that we would be performing a class play, a musical, there was no reason to think that I might land a leading role.


But apparently I was “the swiniest swine” in the third grade class at Howell Road School, because when the cast was announced, I found myself playing Captain Hook.  After many weeks of rehearsals, for one night, I got to strut my stuff on stage in the elementary school cafetorium.

I'm the greatest villain of all time!
Who is Blue Beard?
Who is Nero?
Who is Jack the Ripper?
Who's the swiniest swine in world?
(Captain Hook! Captain Hook!)
Who's the dirtiest dog in this wonderful world?
(Captain Hook! Captain Hook!)
Captain of villainy
Madder and loot lout
Eager to kill any
Who says that his hook isn't cute!
(It's cute!)

Slimiest rat in the pack?
(Captain Hook! Captain Hook!)
Who's unlaughable?
Who's unliftable?
Whose existence is quite unforgivable?
Who would stoop to the cheapest and lowest
Of tricks in the book?
(Tricks in the book)
Blame me, slay me,
Captain Hook!

(music by Mark Charlap; lyrics by Carolyn Leigh)

Okay, let’s be honest here.  This is a decent enough entry, but I think it needs something to put it over the top.  Something like... a photograph of a young doahsdeer circa 1961, in full Hook regalia.  Don’t you think that just might carry me to a win?

I think so too.  Unfortunately, I have no such photograph.  But I do have this photograph of a scary alligator.

And I did have my moment in the spotlight.  Cyril Richard has nothing on me.

(By the way, my teachers soon came to their senses.  The following year, when my fourth grade class put on The King and I, I was one of the king’s advisors, a small part with just a few lines and nary a song to be sung.

So, when I sing (off-key) , Who’s the swiniest swine in the world, you, my xanga chorus, can respond, with great pirate gusto, DOAHSDEER!

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